


and in your love everything will change

by spinnerofyarns



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Christmas, College AU, F/M, Give Jared A Proper Family 2kForever, a little late but still Christmas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-06 16:47:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13415460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spinnerofyarns/pseuds/spinnerofyarns
Summary: There is, Monica has discovered, a steep learning curve to the Care and Keeping of Jared Dunn.----Monica brings Jared home for Christmas with her mom.Sort of a continuation to "the taste of dreams realized"----Title from "Nothing Without You" by Vienna Teng





	and in your love everything will change

**Author's Note:**

> Well it's a little late (a lot late) but here's a Christmas fic!

            There is, Monica has discovered, a steep learning curve to the Care and Keeping of Jared Dunn.

            She knew going in that he was abused and neglected as a child, that he came out of it sickly and malnourished and traumatized. What she didn’t expect was how hard it is for him, even years later, to accept kindness and love, how he’s always looking for some kind of ulterior motive. How he sees himself as a burden, denies himself the most basic of needs like food and sleep and kindness, because he doesn’t think he’s earned them.

            She has to slip care and kindness into his life like pills into applesauce, making sure he eats three square meals a day and sneaking new warm clothes into his wardrobe. When his night terrors get bad again and he wakes up shouting in German, she holds him until he calms down, whispering “It’s okay, you’re safe, you’re with me, I love you.”

            But there are good moments too, like when she sees him sleeping in the soft sunlight of a lazy Saturday morning, his face peaceful and his hair adorably mussed. Or when he dozes off with his head on her shoulder while they’re watching a movie, feeling safe enough to relax and make himself vulnerable. Or when he turns off her alarm, lets her sleep in, and wakes her with breakfast in bed that they eat together.

            Or when, finally calm after a nightmare, Jared looks into her eyes and whispers, “Thank you for saving me.”

            Monica’s mother calls to find out her Christmas break plans about a month after that snowy night. Monica answers the phone lying in bed, with Jared curled up beside her.

            “I don’t know, Mom, I guess I’ll come home at least for part of it,” she says. “And…” she looks at Jared, “if it’s okay with you, I’d like to bring my boyfriend.” She pauses for her mother’s response. “No, not Chester, I broke up with him months ago, remember? I’m with Jared now, we’ve been dating for…a while.” She pauses again. “He’s wonderful, you’ll love him. Okay. Okay. Yes. Okay. Yeah, Mom. Okay. Bye, love you too.” She hangs up and rolls over to face Jared. “You’re invited to spend Christmas with my family.”

            Jared squeezes her as tight as he can. “Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you,” he whispers. Monica kisses his forehead.

            “I love you, sweetheart,” she says.

\----

            They fly down to Baltimore, and Monica’s mother meets them at the airport. She is about Monica’s height, with similarly warm brown eyes, but her face has smile lines and her hair has streaks of grey. She squeezes Monica tightly, and when Jared extends his hand she pulls him into an equally tight hug.

            “It’s so nice to meet you, Jared,” she says. “Monica’s barely told us anything.” She turns to Monica and says, “It’s going to just be us this year, David’s spending Christmas in Toronto with his girlfriend and her family. I raised him, and this is how he repays me.” She turns to Jared. “What about you? How did you justify this to your family? I’m sure they miss you dreadfully.”

            Jared bites his lip and Monica squeezes his hand, silently telegraphing _You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to._ But Jared smiles and says, “Well, I don’t really have one, as such. My mother died when I was young, I grew up in foster care.”

            Monica’s mother frowns. “No one at all? Oh, you poor darling.” She hugs him again. “I promise we’ll give you a proper family Christmas,” she says. “Now come on, I don’t think I’m actually supposed to be parked where I am.”

            Jared and Monica follow her out of the airport to her car. On the drive home, Monica holds Jared’s hand and traces her fingertip over the lines on his palm, and he leans against her and rests his head on her shoulder.

            As they approach the house, Jared gasps at the multitude of lights strung up all over it. Monica smiles.

            “You really went all-out, mom,” she says.

            “It’s _beautiful_ , Mrs. Hall.” Jared breathes.

            “Please, Jared, call me Jane,” Monica’s mother says, pulling into the driveway. “And to be fair, I enlisted a couple of the nurses I work with to help me.”

            “Oh, who? Mark?” Monica asks, opening the trunk and getting their bags out.

            “Mark and Linda,” Jane replies. “They send their love, by the way.”

            “Oh, how’s Linda doing? Has her daughter started thinking about colleges?” Monica asks. “Mom’s an ER surgeon,” she explains to Jared as they walk up to the door.

            “Oh,” Jared says. “My mom was an ER nurse, before…well. You know.”

            “Nurses are the backbone of the ER,” Jane says, unlocking the door and leading them into the house. She flips a light switch and the entryway fills with light. “I don’t know where we’d be without them, honestly.”

            Jared smiles, setting his bag down on the floor and shrugging out of his coat. “Where should I – “ he starts, but Monica takes his coat and hangs it in the closet before he can finish the sentence.

            “You two are up in Monica’s room,” Jane says. “I’m going to let Luna out of her kennel in a minute, if you want to come back down to play with her.”

            “Oh, yes, definitely!” Monica says, and leads Jared up the stairs. They leave their bags in Monica’s childhood room – pale lilac walls with boyband posters – and come back down just in time to see a chocolate Labrador running into the entryway.

            “Luna!” Monica exclaims, kneeling to hug the dog as she licks her face. “Hi, baby, I’ve missed you so much!” She sees Jared hovering at the foot of the stairs and says, “Jared, come here and meet Luna. She’s friendly, I promise.”

            Jared kneels beside her and slowly reaches out his hand towards the dog, palm up. Luna sniffs him for a few moments, then licks his hand with her tongue, and Jared giggles.

            “Aww, she likes you,” Monica says. “Pet her neck fluff, she loves it.” She guides Jared’s hand to the soft fur on Luna’s neck and chest. “My mom got her when David left for college,” Monica explains. “She said she got lonely all by herself in the house.”

            “All by herself? So your father…” Jared stops himself. It would be hypocritical of him to ask Monica about that.

            But Monica volunteers the information herself. “He died when I was 10. Car accident. He was coming home drunk and veered off the road and hit…either a tree or a telephone pole, I don’t remember.”

            “Why didn’t you tell me?” Jared asks softly. “I mean, I told you about…well, about everything.”

            Monica’s hand stills on Luna’s neck. “I don’t know,” she says. “I guess…you’ve been through so much grief and loss, I didn’t want to add anything from my own baggage.”

            “Monica,” Jared says, wrapping his arms around her. “Don’t be silly. That’s the point of a relationship, isn’t it? To have someone helping you carry that baggage? I mean, that’s what you’ve been doing for me, why shouldn’t it go the other way around?”

            “I guess you’re right,” Monica says, and kisses him.

\----

            That night, Monica convinces Jared to share her bed instead of sleeping on the air mattress on the floor.

            “You know sleeping next to another person helps with your nightmares,” she points out, “and how am I supposed to soothe you if I can’t reach you?”

            So Jared stretches out next to her in her childhood twin bed, still trying to take up as little space as humanly possible. Monica curls around him, her head on his chest.

            “How are you feeling?” she asks. “Is it too much?”

            “No,” Jared says softly. “No, I’m…I’m so happy. It’s been so long since I’ve had any company for the holidays, and even longer since I’ve spent them with someone who cared about me.”

            Monica kisses the spot where his neck meets his shoulder. “Darling, you deserved so much better,” she whispers, “and I promise you’ll never have to spend another holiday alone.”

            Jared squeezes her a little tighter. “Thank you,” he whispers. Monica rests her hand on his chest, running her fingertips over his ribs, still painfully prominent in spite of her best efforts to feed him up to a healthy weight.

            “I love you so much,” she whispers, hoping that if she says it often enough she will drown out the chaos of fear and isolation left in Jared’s mind by years of neglect and abuse. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

\----

            It snows during the night, and Jared sees the snow still falling when he wakes up and looks out of the window.

            It brings up one of the few happy memories he has of his childhood – drinking hot chocolate with his mother, wrapped up in cozy blankets, watching the first snowfall of the season. His mother always loved snow, and after her death Jared started thinking of snow as a message from her in the afterlife, a way of reassuring him that she still loved him and that everything would be all right.

            “I love you, mommy,” he whispers.

            He doesn’t realize that Monica’s awake too, but when he says that she gently kisses the back of his neck.

            “Good morning, sweetheart,” she whispers.

            “Oh!” Jared gasps, taken by surprise. “I didn’t realize you were – I – how much did – “

            “I heard the thing about your mom,” Monica says.

            “She loved snow,” Jared says quietly. “So every time it snows, it…it reminds me of her.”

            Monica kisses his shoulder. “She loves you too, honey, and she’s proud of you. I know she is.” She wraps her arms a little tighter around Jared’s waist. “Now come on, let’s get up and get some breakfast into you.”

            After quick showers, Jared and Monica head downstairs for breakfast in sweaters and jeans. Monica’s mother is waiting for them in the kitchen.

            “Good morning, sleepyheads,” she says. “How was your night?”

            “Great,” Jared says. “I slept wonderfully, thank you so much for setting up the air mattress for me.” He’s lying, of course, and Monica suppresses a smile as she watches the tips of his ears turn pink.

            “You’re very welcome, honey. Now, Monica told me about your allergies, so I’ve got gluten-free waffles with fruit and maple syrup and sprinkles for you, and if you want tea or coffee Monica can help you with the Keurig. I’m going to head out, my shift starts in an hour, but if you need anything…well, Monica, you can probably figure it out. I’ll be home pretty late tonight, don’t wait up.” Jane picks up her purse from the kitchen counter and waves before heading out of the house.

            Monica kisses Jared on the cheek and grabs a plate from one of the cupboards. “Come on,” she says. “Let’s eat.”

            As always, Monica prepares Jared’s plate, piling it high with waffles and fruit and dousing it all in maple syrup. She’s learned that she has to do that, or else he will make some excuse to eat the absolute bare minimum. She sits down next to Jared at the table in the breakfast nook, and scratches her nails gently down his back.

            “What do you want to do today, sweetheart?” she asks. “We could go for a walk, or go see a movie, or I think the art museum is open today…or we could just stay in and watch Netflix and make out.”

            Jared takes a bite of his breakfast and thinks it over. “I’d…I’d like to go to the art museum,” he says quietly. “If you want to, of course. My mom used to take me to the art museum in Philadelphia when I was little, I’ve always loved museums.”

            “Of course, darling,” Monica says, kissing him on the cheek. “Finish your breakfast and we’ll get dressed and head out.”

\----

            Monica holds Jared’s hand the whole way to the museum, and through the ticket line into the exhibit halls, her fingers interlaced with his. She insists on paying for his ticket – “you’re my _guest_ , Jared, don’t be silly” – and while they’re wandering through the museum, she watches his face as he looks at the paintings. The way his expression changes in reaction to the art is more beautiful than any of the paintings and sculptures could ever be.

            They stop in the museum gift shop at the end of their visit, and Monica watches as Jared picks up a mug with a watercolor painting of a robin, examines it, and sighs and sets it down after reading the price tag. When they leave, Jared holding a few new postcards to add to the collection on the wall of their apartment, Monica makes an excuse to go back into the shop for a second. She comes out with a bag that she hands to Jared.

            “Merry early Christmas, sweetheart,” she says as he opens the bag and pulls out the robin mug.

            “Oh, Monica,” Jared says, his eyes filling with tears. Monica reaches up to wipe the tears off his cheeks. “You shouldn’t have,” he whispers as she embraces him.

            “Jared, darling, don’t be silly.” Monica says. “You’re my boyfriend, and I love you, and you deserve kindness and love, and I could see how much you wanted that mug. Now come on, let’s get some lunch.”

            They go to a café a few blocks from the museum, and as Jared stakes a claim to a booth Monica orders sandwiches and cappuccinos for both of them, making sure to get soy milk for Jared. She returns to their booth with the food and drinks, and sits down, sliding Jared’s food across the table to him.

            “Thank you,” he says softly, tearfully.

            “Jared,” Monica says, “sweetheart…I love you so much, and I want to kill whoever did this to you, whoever made you feel like you didn’t deserve kindness.” She squeezes his hand as he takes a sip of his cappuccino.

            Jared winces. “It’s…it’s not quite about that,” he says. “It’s just…after so many years of neglect and abuse, being treated kindly is almost more painful. It’s like I was stabbed, years ago, and the knife is still in there but my body has healed around it so at this point, if someone notices it, if they try to take it out or even nudge it…it’s almost unbearably painful.” He takes another sip of his coffee.

            Monica takes his hand in hers, and traces the lines of his palm with her index finger. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart,” she says.

            “You have nothing to be sorry for,” Jared says. “You are…you are so unbelievably kind to me, you’ve given me a life I never dreamed of. You know,” he adds, “Richard never took me home for the holidays. He let me stay in our campus apartment, which was very kind of him, but…he would disappear to Tulsa and spend the break with his family, and I would be left all alone. It wasn’t all bad – I liked having some peace and quiet and some time to myself – but…whenever he called me, there would always be music and chatter in the background, like he was at a party, and it sounded so fun and, well, I got a little jealous sometimes, and a little sad that he didn’t want me around in all that joy.” He sniffles, and Monica gets up and comes over to his side of the booth. She sits down next to him, wrapping her arms around his waist, and kisses him on the cheek.

            “Richard was horrible to you, darling,” she says. “You deserve so much better, and…I hope Christmas with my mom and me will make up for Richard abandoning you. And just so you know, no matter what happens between us, you’ll always be welcome at my apartment, and at my mom’s house for the holidays.”

            Jared wipes his eyes. “Thank you,” he says. “Thank you so much, for everything. You’re…this is the best Christmas break I’ve had since my mom was alive.”

            Monica squeezes him tighter. “I promise that every Christmas after this will be just as good, or better. Now eat up, or else my mom will think I’m starving you.”

            Jared sniffles again, but as he reaches for his sandwich Monica sees him smiling through his tears.

\----

            After dinner, Monica and Jared curl up under a blanket on the couch and watch The Devil Wears Prada – Monica’s choice, but one Jared enjoys wholeheartedly. After the movie, they make out for a while, hands slipping under sweaters and Monica leaving a hickey on Jared’s beautiful delicate swanlike neck.

            Monica’s mother arrives just after Jared heads upstairs to shower.

            “Hey mom,” Monica says, trying to straighten her sweater and pat down her hair before her mother notices.

            “Hi sweetheart,” her mom responds, heading to the kitchen. “How was your day?”

            “Great, we went to the art museum,” Monica says. “What about you?”

            Her mom takes a Tupperware out of the fridge and heads to the microwave to heat it up. “That’s lovely. My day was more of the usual – nothing too interesting, just some cooking accidents, a stabbing, and a kid who shoved a toy soldier up his nose. Listen, honey, is Jared around?”

            “He’s upstairs showering,” Monica says, sitting down at the table. “Why?”

            “I wanted to ask you about him and I’d rather not risk him overhearing,” her mom says.

            “Well, he’ll be up there a while, I made a rule that he has to stay in the shower long enough to actually let it warm him up,” Monica says. “We’ve got a good ten minutes.”

            “Okay,” her mom says. “Well…I’m worried about him. Why didn’t you tell me the poor boy has no family?”

            “I didn’t want you pitying him, mom. He doesn’t want to be treated like a charity case, he was looking forward to being just…my boyfriend, not the sad abused foster kid.” Monica fidgets with the sleeves of her sweater. “He’s trying to move on from it and make a life for himself and…he says he can’t do that if people keep dwelling on it and pitying him. That’s why he was so casual about it. He hates when people make a big thing out of it.”

            Monica’s mother shakes her head. “All right, I can understand that…but I swear he was about to cry when I asked if he wanted an extra blanket last night. And he looks like he hasn’t had a proper meal in years. I just want to help him feel safe here, give him a proper Christmas.”

            “I’m worried about him too, mom,” Monica says. “And…just keep doing what you’re doing. Be nice to him. Hugs help, he’s starved for touch. Don’t raise your voice, be careful about any sudden movements, but just…talk to him like he’s any other person I brought home to meet you over the holidays. Talk to him about his mom and her job, he loves that. And he’s never going to ask for what he needs because he’s scared of being a burden, so just offer it to him if you think he might need it. And I’ll make sure he eats right, I’ve been trying to feed him up since we started dating. He’s made progress, he doesn’t wolf down his food like a starving child anymore.” The water shuts off upstairs, and Monica stands up. “I’m going to go get ready for bed. Good night, mom.”

            “Good night, honey,” her mom says. As Monica is heading up the stairs, her mother calls after her, “Tell Jared he doesn’t have to lie about the air mattress, I have no problem with you two sharing a bed.”

\----

            On Christmas Eve, Monica and Jared spend all morning cooking together, preparing a big holiday dinner and baking several batches of gingerbread and sugar cookies that they bring to the nurses and doctors stuck in the ER over the holidays that afternoon.

            Jared seems strangely at home in the ER, chatting with the nurses over cookies and terrible coffee while Monica’s mom finishes her paperwork. By the time they head home, he’s almost part of the team.

            “Well, if you’re worried about a job after college, you can go to nursing school and work here,” Monica’s mom jokes on their way out.

            Jared blushes. “I just…I spent a lot of time in hospitals growing up, and my mom was a nurse and…I guess I just feel weirdly comfortable there,” he explains.

            Monica puts an arm around him, resting her hand on his right hip with its tangled web of surgical scars. “Come on,” she says. “Let’s go home and have dinner before it gets cold.”

\----

            Monica’s mother refuses to let Jared and Monica help her with the dishes – “you two cooked all of this, you should rest, go watch TV or something” – so after dinner they curl up on the couch, Jared with his head on Monica’s lap, and Monica gently carding her fingers through his hair.

            “How are you feeling?” Monica asks, and Jared closes his eyes.

            “Wonderful,” he says softly. “I haven’t felt like part of a family in so long.” He tugs lightly on Monica’s sweater. “Lie down with me.”

            Monica awkwardly repositions herself so she is lying beside Jared, one arm across his torso and the other awkwardly propping her head up. He looks so peaceful, she thinks, in his cozy sweater, with his hair disheveled and his cheeks a soft rosy pink, full and warm and well-cared-for.

            “I love you,” she says softly, kissing him.

            “I love you too,” Jared replies.

            Luna comes into the living room, hops up on the couch, and curls up on top of Jared’s feet.

            “Aww, she likes you!” Monica says. “Well it’s official, if Luna likes you you’re part of the family now, no going back.”

            Jared smiles the biggest brightest smile Monica has ever seen on his beautiful face, and sits up awkwardly to pet Luna. “Thank you,” he whispers.

\----

            That night, Jared wakes up from a nightmare in a cold sweat, trembling. When Monica reaches for him he lurches away violently, almost falling out of bed. So she moves back and whispers, “Jared, it’s me, I love you, I’m not going to hurt you, you’re safe,” over and over until Jared relaxes and reaches for her.

            She hugs him as tight as she can, and he clings to her, whimpering.

            “What happened, sweetheart?” she asks. “It seemed worse than…than usual, do you want to talk about it?”

            Jared sniffles, his face buried in Monica’s shoulder. “It – you – oh, it was awful,” he says. “You were…were angry with me, and I don’t know what I did wrong but you abandoned me and I had to come crawling back to Richard and beg his forgiveness and – “ he breaks off in a sob and Monica rubs his back until he gathers himself again.

            “I would never do that,” she says. “It was just a bad dream, Jared, I promise. Nothing like that is ever going to happen. You’re safe with me. You haven’t done anything wrong. I love you. Breathe, sweetheart. Breathe. In, out. In, out. Good. You’re doing great. You’re going to be okay, I promise.”

            Jared clings to her even tighter as he takes slow steady breaths.

            “I’m sorry,” he says when he’s calmed down. It breaks Monica’s heart that even now, scared and lonely and in pain, Jared is still the one apologizing.

            “You have nothing to be sorry for,” she says, kissing his forehead as they lie back down together. “I love you. You’re safe. Everything is okay.”

            Jared continues clinging to her as they both fall asleep.

\----

            In the morning, Monica’s mother wakes them by letting Luna run into the room and jump up on the bed to lick Monica’s face. Monica’s giggling wakes Jared, who gladly allows Luna to lick him as well.

            “Come on, sleepyheads,” Monica’s mom says. “I’ve got coffee and presents downstairs.”

            Jared looks at Monica in concern. “Presents?” he whispers. “But I didn’t – “

            “Shh,” Monica says, kissing his forehead. “I took care of it. Now let’s go.”

            They pull sweaters on over their pajamas and head downstairs, where Monica’s mother is waiting for them with hot chocolate.

            “Merry Christmas,” she says, handing Jared and Monica identical gift bags.

            Monica kisses her mother on the cheek and heads to the hall closet, returning with a gift bag of her own, which she hands to Jane. Jared catches a glimpse of the tag – “To Mom, from Monica and Jared”.

            They sit around the breakfast table and open their gifts. Jared’s gift is a soft grey cashmere scarf, with a matching pair of gloves. He rubs the scarf against his face.

            “It’s so soft,” he says. “Thank you so much, Ms. Hall.”

            “Jared, please, call me Jane.” She opens her gift bag and pulls out a beautiful porcelain vase painted with little flowers. Jared remembers the vase – Monica purchased it at a flea market in town.

            “It’s lovely,” Jane says, examining it. “Thank you so much, both of you.”

            Monica’s gift from her mother is a soft cardigan that matches Jared’s scarf and gloves.

            “Thank you, mom,” she says, peeling off her sweater and buttoning the cardigan over her tank top. She gets up and goes back to the hall closet, and returns a moment later with a neatly wrapped rectangular package that she hands to Jared.

            He looks up at her, questioning.

            “Open it,” she says. “It’s for both of us.”

            Jared neatly removes the tape and wrapping paper to reveal a small photo album. Curious, he opens it.

            On the first page is a black and white photo of him, in jeans and a sweater, warming his hands on a cup of tea and looking out the window of the apartment he shares with Monica. Jared gasps, and feels a lump in his throat. He flips through the album to find that about half of it is filled with photos of him and Monica, and just him.

            “Remember that film camera I bought at the flea market?” Monica asks. “I got the pictures developed. These are my favorite ones from the first two rolls of film.”

            Jared flips back to the first photo, brushing his fingertips over it, tracing the curve of his neck. In the picture, his face is turned to the window, away from the camera, but he can see a glimpse of his facial expression.

            “Do I always look like this?” he asks. “So…sad, and serious?”

            “You look beautiful,” Monica says, kissing him on the cheek. “And I want to fill up the rest of this album with pictures of us so you can see exactly how beautiful you look.”

\----

            They spend the day relaxing, drinking hot chocolate and playing board games and finishing up the leftovers of Christmas dinner. Monica fills Jared’s plate, and she and her mother both make sure that he goes back for seconds.

            “You’re too skinny,” Jane says, squeezing his shoulder. “I can’t in good conscience send you back to college looking half-starved.”

            Jared has to turn away so she doesn’t see the tears prickling at his eyes. He still can’t quite believe that after all these years he’s finally getting a real Christmas, with a real family, where he’s safe and cared for and wanted.

            Jared wins at Scrabble, and for a moment instinctively flinches and opens his mouth to apologize, used to horrible homes where his foster siblings beat him mercilessly for winning at board games. But then Monica kisses his cheek and says “Great job, sweetheart. I’m proud of you,” and Jared relaxes, remembers once again that he’s safe in this house, that Monica and her mother both care about him and want him to be happy.

            This kindness is still new, still raw, still painful for him, but he thinks it’s something he could get used to.


End file.
